I also had a really strange feeling of surrealness settle over me when we were riding down this escalator. Sometimes I don't realize how unusual it is to be experiencing the things I'm going through right now and I take it all for granted without much thought... then there are moments like the one where I took this picture where I am totally overcome by the differencees and I think to myself, "We're not in Kansas anymore Toto" Suddently it hits me how far away I am from Ohio and I feel like an alien in a foreign land. That's how I felt when I took this picture... and it was really fucking neat.
The general rule of thumb is to find the balance between anonymity and exposure that is humorous, interesting, relevant as well as safe all at once. It's a hard balance to find, but once you do, it's easy to withstand a bit of internet stalking and fanatacism now and again. My good friend Amy does this the best of almost anyone I know, both on her flickr and her blog. Amy is a role model for not saying too much or too little while still staying interesting, and that's primarily because she knows first hand how easy it is to find shit on someone if you're skilled enough.
Internet stalking, social networking and online personas have been a topic of conversation for me and my friends/coworkers a lot the past year. We've all worked on projects pertaining to these topics, and admittedly we all spend hours a month googling not only each other, but ourselves, our bosses and anyone who is remotely interesting or incredibly boring. It seems to be human nature these days to stalk on the net, and the people I worked with are some of the best, primarily because they design viral and social network campaigns for a living.
So, my dear friends, what is the key to being a really great internet stalker?
Let me give you a few important hints:
1. Keep your stalking to yourself. If it gets out you do it, it could bite you in the ass. Plus it's kinda of creepy to openly stalk people you barely know online, even if everyone else is doing it too.
2. Be thorough, complete and accurate in your research, especially if you decide to violate rule #1. Else you might end up looking like a complete ass to everyone around you, or worse, get bitch-slapped by an angry victim.
3. Your comments will follow you everywhere. If you hit on someone by commenting on their blog, or say something crass or rude, there is a high chance those comments and your info could be indexed by a web-crawler and the next time someone googles YOU, what you said will be found and reflect poorly on you. Or expose you for the jerk you really are, whichever is the case.
4. Always assume that everyone you stalk is more technically savvy than yourself. There is no such thing as anonymity online anymore, and the data collected about you and your habits online is not within your control.
The good news is that most of us who live our lives partially on the net have a sense of humor about it, and don't really care if our friends, family, coworkers or other sad folk would rather read about us on a computer screen than get to know us in person. Plus, we find it really fucking funny when we get to blog about the creepy stalking behavior of others. :P
Good night everyone.
I guess I'm really enjoying and savoring Autumn this year because it is the last one I'll spend for awhile in Columbus or even the US. I'm going to miss it here I think - except in the winter. I'll never miss Ohio winters. Never. Seriously. That part I can do without.
This custom of having themed costume parties any time besides October is foreign to me. Not only do the Brits throw them for holiday parties, but apparently dressing up in themed costumes is popular for Hen Nights (bachelorette parties) and big birthday bashes. For example, Will was out recently with friends and came across a group of women out celebrating their friend's big 4-0. The entire group was dressed up in Medieval-themed fancy dress. Yes, I said Medieval... When I questioned this, he agreed it was incredibly bizarre. Good, I thought, he thinks dressing up in the middle of the year is weird too, I feel safe now. But no.... apparently it was not the fact they were dressed up that Will found bizarre, but instead it was strange because normally women dress up as naughty nurses, slags or something like that for a birthday event! Seriously? I mean, why?! What gets me about this response is that, to my lovely British boy, wearing a costume in public outside of Halloween is perfectly normal , but apparently going the medieval route is a little too much.
I just am not sure if I will get used to this penchant for fancy dress that the Brits seem to have. Maybe I'm just too cheap or easily embarrassed? Not quite sure... but if this is hard for me to swallow, how in the hell am I going to be able to handle Christmas crackers?
The last two weeks have been incredibly stressful for me. I have been in a holding pattern related to many major changes in my life. I've been completely dependent upon the workings of of a corporate lawyer in Arkansas, hoping furiously that he really does know how to do his job. Tomorrow, the wait will finally be over. Tomorrow my work permit and entry clearance visa will arrive from the British Consulate in Chicago. Tomorrow I can start to work on the rest of my life. I'm so ready to charge forward and get my shit in order and get my ass to the UK and settle down with my partner Will.
The last couple years have been very challenging for me on a personal and professional basis. Mostly due to my own choices, both good and bad. I don't regret any of it. I've really come very far and grown insanely the last twelve months. For the first time in my adult life, I feel in balance without someone telling me how to live my life like a mother, sister, a therapist or coworker. I am completely confident in the decisions I have made and the future that lies in front of me. I don't feel clouded by romance or cinicism or boredom or mania or anything else that causes so many people to live in a state of suspension between the real and unreal.
Do I think EVERYTHING in my life is going to work out just fine? Nope, I'm pretty sure that's not possible, for anyone anywhere. Do I think that every decision I have made recently, every person I hold close to me, every direction I am facing are true, honest and right for where and who I am now? Yes, I do. And it feels great to be this clear. It feels amazing not be reacting out of emotional knee-jerking for once, but instead to really truly have confidence and contentment over who I am.
Now I just need that little piece of paper inside my passport to arrive tomorrow so that all the plans I've made can be confirmed and I can get started on the next phase of my life. For real this time.
One of the mainstays of eating healthy is drinking a shitload of water every day. I have been hearing this for years and just never bought into it, then in July I started this high-fiber nutritional plan. After a few days, the thirst hit and bam! next thing you know, I'm drinking 60+ ounces of water a day minimum. Water is my life now. I have multiple water bottles that I carry around with me (reusable, of course!). Usually I have at least one at home, one at work and sometimes one in the car.
Step One: I admit it, I am an addict. If I don't get enough, I feel ick. If I miss ounces in the double digits, the thirst drives me crazy and next thing I know, I'm drinking it out of the tap, (unflavored even!) in my desperation. I need it, I want it, I gotsta gotsta have it.
Side note: I can't stand plain unflavored water, so I'm also addicted to zero-cal flavorings now, such as Crystal Light or 4C. My favorite flavors are pink lemonade and cranberry ice. The most disgusting I've tried is peach tea... avoid at all costs !!
My addiction knows no ends. I drink it the minute I wake up, even before my shower quite often. And yes, I admit it... I put a freshly-filled bottle next to my bed before I go to sleep just in case I need some during the night. Of course I usually have a glass right before bed as well, usually with a benadryl to help with my allergies.
The result of all this drinking is that I pee at least three times more a day than I did before. My skin is much less dry than ever before, and often I pass up beer and wine for a huge glass of water...not out of guilt, but out of actual desire. How did this transition occur? I have no idea.... but whatever it is, it sure does feel good to be doing something healthy for once. Not saying I don't have the occasional binge drinking night... of course I do, as my neuroses and love for liquor are still strong... but even hangovers are much easier to weather these days, and I'm pretty sure it's because of my new BFF H20.
"I am feeling horny tonight baby. " --> Translated: I want to get laid.
"Jeff is a real horny bastard sometimes." --> Translated: Jeff always wants to get laid.
"It sucks becaus he's NEVER horny and I ALWAYS am ready to go" --> Translated: She wants to get laid, he doesn't.
In the UK they use this rough little adjective in those same sentences as well, but they've apparently derived another usage where they use "horny" to describe objects directly rather than just a person's state of mind. For example:
"That movie is horny." --> Usually used to describe porn, or sometimes ellicitly sexual scenes within a non-pornographic movie.
"I like that dress. It's horny." --> Basically means that observer thinks the the dress looks really sexy.
"That was a really horny conversation." --> Basically states that a conversation was deemed to be a turn-on.
And so forth...
I'm sure "horny" is not the only word that's switched from single-purpose to multi between our two great countries; however given the fact I'm feeling a bit horny today, it's the first one that came to my mind.
I'm just not the type of person who loves organized sports. Baseball, basketball, football...all pretty much lost on me. I definitely love the FANS of organized sports (i.e. Will, AmyMo, my brother-in-law) and I definitely admire their passion, their excitement and their dedication - hell, it's almost infectious during a game/match - but I just don't usually "get" team sports.
The closest I've come to being a "fan" is for soccer. Soccer is a fast and strategic sport and the guys are HOT and foreign, which we all know is my type, so yes... I tend to be a little bit of a footie enuthusiast...but I'd never call my self a fanatic. I guess maybe I'm not wired that way? dunno... whatever it is, it seems to be a common trait between me and my sister Susie, so at least I am not alone in my general dislike of organized sport. And I've always accepted myself for the non-sports-interested person that I am and been happy in this non-team-affiliated bubble of mine... that is until I saw the Rugby World Cup.
When we were on holiday, Will coerced me into watching a couple rugby matches. For those of you who don't know me well, please note that "coerced" means he simply offered me a beer and chair to sit it. I am really easily influenced by both as long as pleasant company is involved. Anyway, to my chagrin I was incredibly turned on by and tuned into Rugby. Rugby is like a combination of the best parts of American football, soccer (aka football to the rest of the world) and roman greco-wrestling all combined into one sport, with a bit of complete superfluous gladiator-like violence thrown in for sport. And omg I am riveted by it!
Do I understand Ruby fully? Nope. But I'm learning.
Do I want to? HELL yes.
Do I find Rugby the most interesting team sport I've ever seen? Well, actually, I do.
I think Rugby is incredibly manly, fair, straight-forward, hot, sickening, scary and thrilling all at once. Rugby pretty much rocks. And I can't wait to go see it live one day.
Sure, maybe this enthusiasm will wane and I won't care so much for Rugby next time around... maybe it is just World Cup excitement that's got me all caught up in the rugby madness... who knows?! I do know I likethe feeling. I find myself reading about the World Cup semis coming this weekend and searching for them on my cable box so I can DVR the upcoming England for later enjoyment. Whatever this feeling is, and I admit it may be fleeting, for the first time ever I understand why people followsports with such a passion and I'm way cool with it now. W00t as jeff would say.W00t W00t W00t.
til later my friends.
The worst part about travelling overseas (of which the word "worst" is very subjective I admit), anyway the worst part is how fucking long it takes to get there. I'm facing about 15 hours of travel before I finally reach Durham, a few less than that before I see Will since he's kind enough to meet me in London and ride up on the train with me. :)
4:24 pm now. fuck this is taking so long. blah.
So, my modeling days are definitely limited, but I did have a good time today and I am glad I took the leap. Although I REALLY struggled not to laugh in every shot, so in shots like this one where Bryan told me to have a serious face, I was trying so hard not to laugh that I think at times I probably look constipated or stoned because I was trying SO hard not to crack up. Typical me. Ha.
Been munching a lot tonight. If you can call it that. In my new health concious obnxious mode, grazing ends up being thing:
rice cakes with sugar free pudding
cucumbers with hummous
I think I'm going to be orange if I keep this carrot consumption up. For some reason they are uber yummy. Ha..listen to me! Weird! This is coming from the girl who actually ate a Wendy's Baconator three months ago. Yes, the one with way more patties and bacon than any one person should ever ingest. And I secretly liked it, even though I make fun of the commercials.Yes, now I am getting my snack on with freaking health food. I love it.
For some reason when Suzi is working on parts of me such as my feet, shoulders and jaw, I can use this visualization to really relax my breathing and push away all the worries in my tiny little brain. I literally become oblivious and ambivalent to all stress.
I don't WANT it to work. Seriously, I don't. I don't WANT to be one of those hippy types constantly spouting off about herbal this or spiritual that or aura whose-a-whatsit. Much to my dismay, I just can't help buy into this entire approach to physical/emotional therapy. I really truly enjoy it, and in some ways I think it's more impactful on my psyche than any counselling I've ever had, spiritual or cognitive or otherwise. There is just something about getting physical pain and mental pain addressed simultaneously that I just find incredibly soothing and relaxing.
Today, Suzi did some really painful work on my neck and jaw and in the middle of it, I totally lost track of all thoughts about work and focused solely on all the wonderful things I am feeling right now personally. DAMN it felt so good.
So, yes my friends, sadly it appears I am drinking the new age koolaid a bit. And it tastes damn good. :P
Anyway, not feeling very good tonight so no witty lengthy posts for this gal. Tomorrow I see the Killers which is gonna rock... and oh, I may have some news to share soon the UK front. :)
The next test was a bit more intrusive. I had to take my shirt off and lay on my belly. A nurse cleaned my back with alochol. Then she proceeded to place 40 or so drops of allergen extracts on my back after writing numbers across my shoulders. Within a few seconds of placing the extracts on my back, it started to itch. I wondered out loud if this was normal, and the nurse said
"Not really but it is once she starts scratching."
Scratching I thought? Huh? That's when she took out the sharp needle and began to scrape the surface of my skin slightly where each extract was placed. Not miserable, but not remotely pleasant either.
"Now we wait fifteen minutes for a reaction," she said and gave me a funny look as she left the room.
Fifteen minutes? Seriously, why wait? Literally within seconds of the extract being applied (BEFORE the damn scratches) I was already reacting. My back was on fire and swelling up Yet apparently it doesn't count if they don't wait fifteen minutes, so alas I had no choice but to wait.
So I waited, laying on my belly on a really uncomfortable office bed. I started to drift asleep. I felt the paper on the table adhering to my face due to drool emitting from my mouth, which of course woke me up. Gross! The entire time I was laying there, my back was completely inflamed and just begging me to scratch it. "Please oh please," said my back, "please rub me on the corner of that wall and relieve this misery!". I resisted. I was a good girl and for once did not itch an intense scratch even though the urge was stronger than ever. Score one for JB.
Eventually an alarm went off to indicate my 15 minutes passing, and in walked Doctor Suri Suresh. The first thing out of his mouth was "Oh my goodness, that doesn't look good, not good at all". Next he went on and on about how bad of a reaction I had to all the grasses, trees, molds and weeds... apparently it was quite impressively horrid. I think he liked that fact a lot more than I did.
Sadly, I am also mildly allergic to dogs and cats, but the good Lord shown down on me and thankfully kept horses, feathers and barn dust off the incredibly long list. Because we all know I encounter those all the damn time, so what a relief! At one point it occured to me that it was faster to talk about what I'm NOT allergic to than what I am as apparently the list is very very long. No suprise I guess, although I didn't quite enjoy the lecture I received about my need for weekly allergy shots and the fact my asthma is allergy induced. Apparently he had a hard time believing I didn't already know this was the case. Well duh, of I knew this subconsciously. I just hate needles and choose to ignore it and avoid allergy testing over the years at all costs...but alas, I have come to realize that the weekly shots are going to be far better than the stints in the hospital Dr. Suresh promised me if I didn't concede, so I have given in. Shots start next week. Oh glory be.
Next came the requisite bag 'o drugs. Every time I go to the doctor these days I leave with a white plastic bag full of drugs. Usually they don't do squat to help me, but my dear Suri has promised me that I'm going on the right cocktail now to make my life better. And dammit, i actually believe him. I just hope the bill from the pharmacist each month doesn't put me in anaphalactic shock on it's own.
So anyway, I am now ready to admit something I formerly chose to ignore. I am asthmatic. Yes, indeed, I'm getting old, I've developed asthma and I'm allergic to most of the free world. Oh well, it could be worse. Like I could have aggressive toe fungus or diabetes or a gimp arm. I mean seriously, let's look on the bright side here. Yes, I have to have shots once a week, an inhaler twice a day and pills and nasal inhalers when my allergies are really really bad. But at least I still have a sense of humor and look good, right?
Next thing to bitch about. My face. I acknowledge the fact that I am not ugly, deformed or gross in any remote way. Pretty in a nerdy-girl way I can even acknowledge. But one thing I hate about myself is that I am far more pretty in pictures than I am in real life. Being photogenic is definitely NOT a curse, but why in the hell did I not realize this when I was younger and could actually make some money from it, even if it was just doing Schottenstein's ads or something? And to be honest, I'd rather look that good in real life instead of being someone that "takes a good picture". Seriously, i've actually had guys comment about how much great I look in pictures as if it's okay to say i'm hot in pics and not in person. Bleh. fuck em all. By the way, for those of you who might be reading this and know me, don't even bother trying to convince me that I'm just as pretty in person as I am in pics, or that looks don't matter or that I'm being silly. I really truly don't care what your opinion is on this matter, as I am actively choosing to obsess about it independent of anyone else's existence and my stance cannot be changed. Ha.
Tomorrow is allergy testing and pulmonary function testing day. Woot woot woot. I can't wait, but not because I think the testing is going to do squat to help with my allergies or breathing issues, but because I cannot WAIT to take my allergy meds again. Going 2 days without has been miserable. I woke up at 530am this morning in mid-sneeze from a sound sleep! Seriously, how does that even happen? I can't wait to ingest the latest loves of my life - zyrtec and singulair. Oh how I love thee, prescription antihistamines. Cometh with me to a day with less snot and eyes which are not red. Let us bask in the joy of no sneezing. Aye, do I miss thee...
Ok i'm bored with blogging for now. Talk at you later.
I am currently undergoing polarity therapy and my lovely therapist, Suzi Wilcoff, recommended I start writing down my feelings whenever I feel blocked or anxious. And I hate hand writing anything...so here I am. Now, let's be clear about these polarity treatments... I am not paying for them. If I were, I would not be going. Not that they aren't helpful - they are incredibly relaxing and cleansing - but I just can't afford shit like this when I could get acupuncture or counselling on my insurance for far cheaper. Alas, it is not I who pays for these sessions, it is the CXO of my company. She's worried about my stress levels and struggles with asthma-like symptoms lately, and gave me four sessions as a gift. Two sessions down now, two to go. And yes, I like it a lot. Not as much as I like the herbal tea Suzi gave me to make at home, but almost as much. And no, I'm not a hippie, new age-ist or any sort of guru following gal. I just like the intimacy of bonding with a complete yet sensitive stranger over my day's woes and getting a massage while we're talking. And did I mention that it's free?
Struggling a lot lately with figuring out my future. Not my long term forever future - I pretty much know where I want that to lead - but the short term what-do-i-do-until-i-move-to-England future. Work sucks. My family vacillates between annoying me and amusing me on a weekly basis. Me and my friends aren't as down depressed and desperate as we all used to be, so we don't spend 3-4 nights a week together anymore. And I have options. Lots of them. Yet I feel completely paralyzed sometimes, like I couldn't walk three feet to my front door let alone handle making a complete life change over the next few months. And I am waiting on a job offer from a past employer in the UK, incredibly incredibly impatiently.
All that sad, I am happy. I'm in love, I'm sure about what I want - more than ever before- and I definitely can't wait to get out of this allergen-infested State as soon as I can. By the way, I can't take my allergy medicine for the next two days because I have testing on Thursday. Which is horrid because the ugly guy on the news just said this week is going to be absolutely killer on allergy sufferers because of hot stagnant weather. Blech.
Later peeps. Gonna drink my herbal tea and force sleep upon my busy mind.