finally coming out of the haze

in a fog (day 282)
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The last two weeks have been incredibly stressful for me. I have been in a holding pattern related to many major changes in my life. I've been completely dependent upon the workings of of a corporate lawyer in Arkansas, hoping furiously that he really does know how to do his job. Tomorrow, the wait will finally be over. Tomorrow my work permit and entry clearance visa will arrive from the British Consulate in Chicago. Tomorrow I can start to work on the rest of my life. I'm so ready to charge forward and get my shit in order and get my ass to the UK and settle down with my partner Will.

The last couple years have been very challenging for me on a personal and professional basis. Mostly due to my own choices, both good and bad. I don't regret any of it. I've really come very far and grown insanely the last twelve months. For the first time in my adult life, I feel in balance without someone telling me how to live my life like a mother, sister, a therapist or coworker. I am completely confident in the decisions I have made and the future that lies in front of me. I don't feel clouded by romance or cinicism or boredom or mania or anything else that causes so many people to live in a state of suspension between the real and unreal.

Do I think EVERYTHING in my life is going to work out just fine? Nope, I'm pretty sure that's not possible, for anyone anywhere. Do I think that every decision I have made recently, every person I hold close to me, every direction I am facing are true, honest and right for where and who I am now? Yes, I do. And it feels great to be this clear. It feels amazing not be reacting out of emotional knee-jerking for once, but instead to really truly have confidence and contentment over who I am.

Now I just need that little piece of paper inside my passport to arrive tomorrow so that all the plans I've made can be confirmed and I can get started on the next phase of my life. For real this time.

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