finally coming out of the haze

in a fog (day 282)
Originally uploaded by

The last two weeks have been incredibly stressful for me. I have been in a holding pattern related to many major changes in my life. I've been completely dependent upon the workings of of a corporate lawyer in Arkansas, hoping furiously that he really does know how to do his job. Tomorrow, the wait will finally be over. Tomorrow my work permit and entry clearance visa will arrive from the British Consulate in Chicago. Tomorrow I can start to work on the rest of my life. I'm so ready to charge forward and get my shit in order and get my ass to the UK and settle down with my partner Will.

The last couple years have been very challenging for me on a personal and professional basis. Mostly due to my own choices, both good and bad. I don't regret any of it. I've really come very far and grown insanely the last twelve months. For the first time in my adult life, I feel in balance without someone telling me how to live my life like a mother, sister, a therapist or coworker. I am completely confident in the decisions I have made and the future that lies in front of me. I don't feel clouded by romance or cinicism or boredom or mania or anything else that causes so many people to live in a state of suspension between the real and unreal.

Do I think EVERYTHING in my life is going to work out just fine? Nope, I'm pretty sure that's not possible, for anyone anywhere. Do I think that every decision I have made recently, every person I hold close to me, every direction I am facing are true, honest and right for where and who I am now? Yes, I do. And it feels great to be this clear. It feels amazing not be reacting out of emotional knee-jerking for once, but instead to really truly have confidence and contentment over who I am.

Now I just need that little piece of paper inside my passport to arrive tomorrow so that all the plans I've made can be confirmed and I can get started on the next phase of my life. For real this time.


H20 is my friend

In July I started following a pretty strict dietary plan (ala Weight Watchers) in order to lose the 14 pounds I have gained since I moved to the grand old CMH. Another goal for me is to be as healthy and thrifty as possible for the first time in my life, reducing my dining out and alcohol consumption greatly (hence reducing my waistline AND increasing my bank balance!).

One of the mainstays of eating healthy is drinking a shitload of water every day. I have been hearing this for years and just never bought into it, then in July I started this high-fiber nutritional plan. After a few days, the thirst hit and bam! next thing you know, I'm drinking 60+ ounces of water a day minimum. Water is my life now. I have multiple water bottles that I carry around with me (reusable, of course!). Usually I have at least one at home, one at work and sometimes one in the car.

Step One: I admit it, I am an addict. If I don't get enough, I feel ick. If I miss ounces in the double digits, the thirst drives me crazy and next thing I know, I'm drinking it out of the tap, (unflavored even!) in my desperation. I need it, I want it, I gotsta gotsta have it.

Side note: I can't stand plain unflavored water, so I'm also addicted to zero-cal flavorings now, such as Crystal Light or 4C. My favorite flavors are pink lemonade and cranberry ice. The most disgusting I've tried is peach tea... avoid at all costs !!

My addiction knows no ends. I drink it the minute I wake up, even before my shower quite often. And yes, I admit it... I put a freshly-filled bottle next to my bed before I go to sleep just in case I need some during the night. Of course I usually have a glass right before bed as well, usually with a benadryl to help with my allergies.

The result of all this drinking is that I pee at least three times more a day than I did before. My skin is much less dry than ever before, and often I pass up beer and wine for a huge glass of water...not out of guilt, but out of actual desire. How did this transition occur? I have no idea.... but whatever it is, it sure does feel good to be doing something healthy for once. Not saying I don't have the occasional binge drinking night... of course I do, as my neuroses and love for liquor are still strong... but even hangovers are much easier to weather these days, and I'm pretty sure it's because of my new BFF H20.


i feel censored

The things I want to write about I cannot in such a public forum at this time, and everything else seems boring or unnecessary. Hence I'm writing to write about nothing. One day all will be clear and I can be more transparent about my feelings, but for now it's all about waiting. And for fuck's sake, waiting sure does suck.

Til later.


Quick thought on adjective usage...

As I was trying to nap today, I started thinking about how the British use the same words a bit differently than Americans sometimes. A really great example is the word "horny". In America, this adjective is used almost exclusively to describe one's state of mind from a sexual-desire perspective:

"I am feeling horny tonight baby. " --> Translated: I want to get laid.

"Jeff is a real horny bastard sometimes." --> Translated: Jeff always wants to get laid.

"It sucks becaus he's NEVER horny and I ALWAYS am ready to go" --> Translated: She wants to get laid, he doesn't.

In the UK they use this rough little adjective in those same sentences as well, but they've apparently derived another usage where they use "horny" to describe objects directly rather than just a person's state of mind. For example:

"That movie is horny." --> Usually used to describe porn, or sometimes ellicitly sexual scenes within a non-pornographic movie.

"I like that dress. It's horny." --> Basically means that observer thinks the the dress looks really sexy.

"That was a really horny conversation." --> Basically states that a conversation was deemed to be a turn-on.

And so forth...

I'm sure "horny" is not the only word that's switched from single-purpose to multi between our two great countries; however given the fact I'm feeling a bit horny today, it's the first one that came to my mind.

14 month old babies = good birth control

Seriously, Hannah was a bit of a handful last night when I babysat her and her brother Elijah. A "bit" might even be an understatement, actually. At one point when we went on a walk, she was screaming so loud that some of my UA neighbors turned on their porchlights to see who was beating the baby outside, yet the only thing she was yelling about was a general dislike for her stroller. When I took her out of it, she kept trying to run into the street. When I stopped her from doing that, she'd start moaning like a dog getting beating by a stick and flailing around so I couldn't keep hold of her. Poor Eli was mortified, and poor Auntie Julie was at the end of her rope after awhile. Yet somehow everytime I got to the point where I thought I could just lock her up in a cage to get some peace, she'd throw me one of these looks and I just melted inside. Flipping kids, they are such manipulators. :P


a sport i might like?

I'm just not the type of person who loves organized sports. Baseball, basketball, football...all pretty much lost on me. I definitely love the FANS of organized sports (i.e. Will, AmyMo, my brother-in-law) and I definitely admire their passion, their excitement and their dedication - hell, it's almost infectious during a game/match - but I just don't usually "get" team sports.

The closest I've come to being a "fan" is for soccer. Soccer is a fast and strategic sport and the guys are HOT and foreign, which we all know is my type, so yes... I tend to be a little bit of a footie enuthusiast...but I'd never call my self a fanatic. I guess maybe I'm not wired that way? dunno... whatever it is, it seems to be a common trait between me and my sister Susie, so at least I am not alone in my general dislike of organized sport. And I've always accepted myself for the non-sports-interested person that I am and been happy in this non-team-affiliated bubble of mine... that is until I saw the Rugby World Cup.

When we were on holiday, Will coerced me into watching a couple rugby matches. For those of you who don't know me well, please note that "coerced" means he simply offered me a beer and chair to sit it. I am really easily influenced by both as long as pleasant company is involved. Anyway, to my chagrin I was incredibly turned on by and tuned into Rugby. Rugby is like a combination of the best parts of American football, soccer (aka football to the rest of the world) and roman greco-wrestling all combined into one sport, with a bit of complete superfluous gladiator-like violence thrown in for sport. And omg I am riveted by it!

Do I understand Ruby fully? Nope. But I'm learning.

Do I want to? HELL yes.

Do I find Rugby the most interesting team sport I've ever seen? Well, actually, I do.

I think Rugby is incredibly manly, fair, straight-forward, hot, sickening, scary and thrilling all at once. Rugby pretty much rocks. And I can't wait to go see it live one day.

Sure, maybe this enthusiasm will wane and I won't care so much for Rugby next time around... maybe it is just World Cup excitement that's got me all caught up in the rugby madness... who knows?! I do know I likethe feeling. I find myself reading about the World Cup semis coming this weekend and searching for them on my cable box so I can DVR the upcoming England for later enjoyment. Whatever this feeling is, and I admit it may be fleeting, for the first time ever I understand why people followsports with such a passion and I'm way cool with it now. W00t as jeff would say.W00t W00t W00t.


At the corner of bliss and happiness...

Our Corner in Nice
Originally uploaded by juliehicks75
Back from Nice and the UK now, alone in my apartment going through pics and generally sulking about returning to work tomorrow and being away from my Will. I thought of so many wonderful little things to blog about when I was gone and swore upon my return I would do so, but alas I am feeling the grips of lethargy upon me and have yet to start. I jotted down some notes while I was away to refresh my memory, so maybe this week I'll pull out my little green notebook and get started. Who knows? It was perhaps the best two weeks I've had with Will ever, if not two of the best weeks of my life... but for now I am planning to sit here in my air conditioning and watch Heroes for a few hours, drink white wine and feel like a dumbass for accidentally stealing Will's shaver adapter. Sorry baby. I love you even when you're scruffy, if that makes any difference. :)

til later my friends.