On the outside, looking in...

I've been going through this strange feeling of detachment over the last month or so. A lot of the time I feel as if I'm watching myself from afar and not really feeling or participating openly in the world around me -  not in a "first person" sort of way at least (although I do have loads of internal dialogues in 3rd person like any normal crazy person!).

It's really difficult to put a finger on what's going on with me or what the impetus was to start this blue period, especially given the fact I have been so happy and content all summer. I am partially blaming it on the "dark nights" for sure! I watched the sun setting around 430pm today - that is never, ever a good thing. And it will only get worse in late December, when the sun goes down by half three most days here! Ever since the days began getting super short here in Newcastle, I've started losing the desire to participate in pretty much everything that requires me to leave the flat - except where a paycheck is involved, of course!

I am being really hard on myself for not being as energetic or conent as I felt all summer long. It's not that I'm depressed per se, but I'm just acutely aware of the fact that my energy levels are diving and generally I would prefer to be as inert as possible until the Spring. If it were up to me, I'd stay in the house with Will, the Xbox and my breadmachine and pretty much not see the outside world for weeks at a time. It's really not a very nice way to feel, and what sucks the most is I'm hyper aware of the fact it's happening.

I feel as if I am witnessing my lethargy from afar and hate every minute of what's going on. The 'normal me' is looking in from behind the two-way mirror, screaming and shouting at myself to get my shit together and quit being so morose.

'Get out and exercise!', I'm shouting from behind the looking glass.

'Quit exagerrating! Get off the fucking couch and quit sulking, you're better than this!', I plead.

The whole thing is like some sappy infomercial reinactment of a woman suffering from the 'winter blues', or better yet - an antidepressant advert! Yes, I'm turning into THAT woman, and that IS NOT me. Really, it's not. I guess at least I see it happening and can do something to make it stop. Or wait until the sun starts shining for more than 8 hours a day again.

Dammit, I need to get my arse of the fucking couch and quit feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe after the next commercial break.

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