You just had to ask, didn't ya?

For some reason, I am often asked by people I've just met one or more of the following questions:

1) "When are you going to start having kids?"
2) "Why don't you want any children of your own?"
3) "Aren't you ready to settle down and start a family?" (followed by: "You still have time to change your mind you know, you're still young!")

This post isn't going to be a rant about the people who barely even know me asking these sorts of questions, nor will it be a list of the real reasons I have not embarked on raising little mini-me's. Both are good topics best saved for a day when I'm in the mood to get really clever on your asses.

No, no... today’s post is about the ANSWERS which I'm just dying to give in response, for pure shock value. I guess I'm bored with answering the question reasonably and truthfully, so here are three gems which I've been fantasizing about using on the next lucky contestant:

The "Bore Them to Death" Approach:

(aka "The Green Approach")

"Well, actually that's an incredibly important question, thanks for asking! You see, I am a firm believer that the human race needs to focus on a more sustainable model of reproduction in order to save the planet. People should only reproduce in order to replace themselves once, no more, else we'll run out of precious natural resources too quickly. As such, I've done the maths and I believe there is a distinct imbalance in the ratio of Adults to Progeny within my extended family. Given that my sister, her husband, my sister's ex, my husband & his ex, and also my cousin and his wife have aggregately produced more children in ratio to the number of adults in our family, it's a moral imperative that I withhold from having children in order to ensure that the Adult:Progeny ratio is properly balanced.

You see, I really have no other choice. I mean, sure, I'd like to have kids but sadly everyone else in my family took up all the slots before I had a chance to get knocked up. That's life for ya."

The "Turn It Around on Them" Approach:

(Reserved for people who are especially condescending or rude when I say I don't want children)

"Actually, I'm pretty sure the REAL question here is why did you decide to have children? I mean, you're obviously dying to tell me. And honestly, I'd love to know the reasons, because for the last 2 hours all you've done is bitch about your little ones so much that I'm starting to wonder if I should call children services. I mean, I'm seriously worried that you hate the little buggers. So please, enlighten me as to your reasons to reproduce when you're OBVIOUSLY miserable."

And finally....The "Special Arrangement" Approach:

"Oh, well you see, I have this arrangement with my sister that's TOTALLY a win-win. She's got 7 kids and can't really afford to raise them all anymore. So here's the deal - she's going to send her youngest over here after he's potty trained to live with me until he's 12, at which point she has to take him back. In exchange, I pay for her husband's vasectomy and our shared-son's University education. Oh, and of course I'll cover his room and board while the little one is living with us here in the UK - wouldn't imagine asking her to pay UK prices for food and such!

Yes, I know it sounds a little odd, but it's really a great arrangement. I mean, I just cannot IMAGINE actually carrying a baby for 40 weeks or changing nappies for 2 years, and I DEFINITELY can't deal with a teenager, so this really is a win-win for everyone involved, don't you think?"

1 comment:

  1. hahaha I LOVE IT! I just use to say 'I'm an incredibly selfish person and love spending my money on myself, sleeping in and having my boobs in their proper place'. I do love my son but absolutely hate that question!