I’m feeling really cruddy this week, mainly due to being weighed down by a nasty cold or flu of some sort. I went to bed at midnight yesterday and didn’t get out of bed until 11am. I was up for only two hours before going back to sleep for three more. I am barely able to stay awake right now, and it’s not even 11pm yet! I haven’t had any exercise in over a week, and I’m missing a hugely busy and important week at work. I can’t even be bothered to shower, and in addition to suffering from flu-like symptoms, I’m just generally down today. I absolutely hate being at home, sick and useless. I just don’t cope well with boredom. Basically I am just feeling totally blah and it sucks. And then of course there is the guilt issue....
I always feel very guilty whenever I am unwell and have to miss work or cancel plans. Guilty if I don’t stick it out at work. Guilty if I do and then accidentally give someone my cold. Guilty if the house doesn’t get cleaned, and guilty if I DO clean the house when I should be resting. Guilty that I am not 100% my relatively cheery and involved self for my husband. Guilty that personal hygiene becomes nearly the last priority on my list for several days. I mean seriously, have you ever smelled my feet after a few days of no washing. If you had, you'd totally understand where the guilt comes from on that one!
Being sick is utterly made worse by the fact that I let myself feel so damn guilty for letting other people (and myself) down. It’s really foolish of me to be so indulgent in my guilt when I’m sick, but in a way it is sort of cathartic because I don’t allow myself to feel guilty about much else in my life. There are a lot of things in my past for which I feel guilty, but because I do not regret most of my choices despite the associated guilt, I do not allow myself to indulge in masochistic self-abuse over things I would not undo, even in hindsight. Perhaps it’s far easier to beat myself up over trivial things such as taking a sick day than to face the inevitable karmic retribution I fear I may face one day for sacrificing others for my own happiness? Or maybe perhaps I’m way over thinking this all due to the haze of Night Nurse and carbon dioxide poisoning from oversleeping today? Let’s hope it’s the latter.
